Diamond Tears

The tears I cry are for you.

Him.

Yes, you know who you are if you should ever stumble upon this blog and read this post (but I doubt you ever will).

It’s almost 3am as I write this (wondering if I will actually post it) and I’ve been crying for hours. I’m not afraid to admit it. Although, I’m surprised I have any tears left in my body.

Every tear I shed is the memory of a hug, a kiss. Every tear that rolls down my cheek is the memory of a touch, of time spent together. While the tears continue to roll down my water streaked face, each one falls to the ground, a diamond, a special gem, because each moment we spent together was special – priceless. And as those lovely diamond tears hit the ground they shatter into a million pieces – like my heart.

Have any of you ever felt the pain of a hundred knives stabbing at your heart as your insides twist?

Have any of you ever felt your heart cracking inside your chest?

I have.

And it’s one of the worse feelings in the world.

Somehow I still find beauty in the image of shattered diamonds littering the floor – like fairy dust, or stars scattered across the deep purple and navy sky.

All my life I’ve felt as though I’m constantly being tested. “How bad do you want this?” – that’s always been the questions.

By nature I fight for the things that are important. I’ve learned to separate the things which are petty, unimportant and materialistic from the things that are important, irreplaceable and priceless.

So now I have a choice. Do I move on or fight?

The situation isn’t your stereotypical boy and girl meet, then, boy dumps girl. There has been no so-called dumping involved here, only, a mere step backwards. No, this thing staring me in the face is deeper then any petty boy/girl problem. Especially when the feelings each have for the other are real, genuine. It’s atypical – more delicate, fragile. It’s like a beautiful butterfly. If you hold on too tightly you’ll crush it, but don’t hold on to it tight enough and it’ll fly away.

But I know him. I may not always be able to tell exactly what he’s thinking, but the eyes will betray a person every single time. It’s said that the eyes are the windows to the soul and his gave me just about every answer I needed.

So I will fight.

And I’ll pray to God that I’ve made the right choice, that everything will work out in the end.

Have any of you ever found that one person worth fighting for?

It’s said that the best things in life are worth fighting for, so, there you have it.

I’ll fight for every hug and kiss, for every laugh and smile, for every touch and moment spent together. I’ll fight for him because I believe he’s worth it. I’ll fight for him because I believe what we have is truly wonderful and because neither of us really want it to end.

So if time is what he needs to sort some things out, I’ll give him that time.

I’m not going anywhere. And he told me once that he’s not going anywhere either. We are the bright spots in each other lives. Personally, he makes bad days good and good days great. And I’m fairly confident that I do the same for him. So I will continue to be there for him, always, because I’m not giving up on him. I’m not giving up on us. I want this wonderful man in my life. And despite the jumbled thought filling his head, I know how he truly feels about me and his eyes said he wants me in his life too. I’m certain of it.

All I can do now is hope and pray. All I can do is have faith that I made the right choice and everything will be alright in the end. And to those who read this, all I can say is, always be brave enough to fight for the things you want in life, but also be brave enough to know when to walk away. Remember, it’s not over until it’s over.

Never Surrender

I’m not ashamed to say I cried.

It’s a basic human emotion.

Tears are how we express ourselves when we’re surprised, happy, scared, hurt or even feeling a bit broken.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how no one wants to be vulnerable and that both pain and joy are a part of life. I laid out my heart and soul for anyone who cared to see it and confidently stated how I had once again opened myself to the wonders life had to offer.

Well, right now, I’m feeling both the pain and joy.

But I still believe it’s worth it.

I know when I’ve found something good.

Never surrender to the pain. That’s when it’s the easiest to walk away, to give up.

But giving up isn’t the right choice.

Giving up means not only purging ourselves of the pain, but also stepping away from the joy. In that way, we only end up hurting ourselves.

The truth is, this, all this, is called life. The pain and joy, the highs and lows – it’s called living.

I’ve mentioned in multiple posts that I want to live. I want to experience the greatest of highs and the lowest of lows and everything in between. I want to live a full life and live while I have the chance. And that’s exactly what I intend to do. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing. It’s for this one reason, well one of the reasons, that I’ve decided to take the pain and joy as a package deal. I’ve decided to let the pain burn my eyes and stab at my heart. After a moment this feeling will pass and the joy will shine through. I know my happiness is stronger then any hurt that could be brought upon my heart.

And it’s been a long time since I’ve been this happy.

Sometimes I think life tests us. Sometimes I think life wants to help make us stronger and see how resilient we are. Sometimes I think life wants to see just how much we want the happiness that had been placed before us, how much we’re willing to fight.

Joy is a wonderful gift that fills us and makes our hearts swell inside out chest. In certain aspects of my life it’s a feeling I’ve long forgotten. But now that I’ve found it again, I’m not letting go. I’m not taking it for granted and I’m embracing it everyday.

“Let Us Sing Before Our Time Runs Out”

For those who know me best, as well as those of you who have been following this blog, it will come as no surprise that music is a huge part of my life. I’m the one who quotes song lyrics and breaks out into song without warning. It’s always been that way; a habit I can’t break. So it will, possibly, come as no surprise that a majority of the music I listen to touches my life. I hear the melodies in my head and the lyrics whispering in my ears and I think to myself, “This song makes a good point.”

Recently, Jon Foreman released the last installment to his The Wonderlands project – Dawn. The last song on this EP is titled “Before Our Time.” This song commanded my attention on the first listen and I immediately loved it. The basic message is that time flies and we should live while we have the chance.

“Let us sing before our time runs out,” sings Jon in the chorus. I take “sing” as a metaphor for “live.” And I think he’s most certainly right – lets live before our time runs out…“our time is now.”

The truth is that we only have one life. At least one life on earth, depending on what you believe. But, regardless, this world has so much to offer. There’s so many things to see, places to go and explore, people to meet and learn from and an infinite number of possibilities.

I want to experience as much as I can while I have the chance.

Put simply, I want to live.

I don’t want to look back on my life and have regrets. The truth is, I have enough already. And I don’t want anymore.

Within recent years, I’ve found that life has a way of telling you things. Of course, we have to be willing to listen. I guess I wasn’t ready to listen just yet, or I was oblivious to the things life was telling me, because I missed every single sign. But now I get it. I recognize the signs, the hints, the arrows pointing me in the right direction. Or maybe that’s called faith. I have that too.

The point I’m attempting to make is that this song is a reminder that time is fleeting. Time doesn’t stop for anyone. It’s constant. It’s continuously marching forward. And life, life is meant to be experienced, so we should “sing before our time runs out” because “our time is now.”