I’ve been thinking about it a lot.
I’ve cried a lot about it too.
Have you ever been so torn with a decision to the point where you know what you want to do, but at the same time, you’re not sure?
That’s pretty much where I am right now.
Him. Stubborn, frustrating, confusing, sweet, affectionate, wonderful him.
Lately, it hasn’t been good. Part of me thinks I should’ve seen the storm coming while another part of me knows it always comes out of nowhere. The stress, the shit life throws at us and the tests life give us seems to all have combined into one giant explosive wave that decided to burst against the shore this week. Casualties have been taken and wounds have been sustained, but it’s what’s left after the debris clears that matters. To me, that’s how you know what you’ve been fighting for all along.
What I feel for him is something that I’ve never felt for any man. When I first met him, I was a little hesitant because of how I’ve been treated in the past and how I’m always the one left hurt. At the same time, if we don’t take chances in life then we’re just holding ourselves back. So I took a chance on him. There was something about how he carried himself that made me want to take a chance. (And I know there was something about me that made him take a chance too.) I never dreamed that I would feel something the first time he hugged me, that I would see fireworks the first time he kissed me, that I would get butterflies every time I saw him (and I’ve gotten those butterflies every day for the last seven months). I never dreamed that his smile would make me smile, his laugh would make me feel warm, his hugs (just being in his arms) would make me feel safe. I never dreamed that I would give him all of me, every single part of my being.
I think, maybe, the worst part is that my feelings run so deep for him and I’ve never told him. And so, even if I decide to walk away, I still have a decision to make – does he deserve to know I how I truly feel?
Call it stubbornness. Call it whatever you’d like, but the fact still remains the same – I’m not ready to throw in the towel.
I’ve thought about this many, many times. I’ve thought about both sides. I’ve thought about it from his perspective. I’ve thought about it all to the point where my head hurts and my chest feels tight. Every time I’ve come to the same conclusion – I would be more miserable every day without him in my life then on days where he’s in a dark place (sometimes saying horrible, hurtful things) and part of my life.
Things happened so fast for us. Things were perfect from the first day and felt right. It’s like the pieces of the puzzle fit together. It was almost too easy. So maybe this is one of life’s little tests. Maybe things have to plummet so far down for us to realize what is or isn’t there and what is or isn’t worth fighting for. Maybe things have to be bad before they become good again because that way we’ll both appreciate the good times and each other even more.
I’m not saying it’s going to be easy or fair, but welcome to the real world. Clearly I’ve decided to fight for him, for us, and anyone who knows me and the entire situation knew this was exactly what I was always going to do.
I like him and I like us.
I’ve had to make this same decision at least twice before – stay and fight or simply walk away. He has so much shit pressing down on him that he thinks maybe we should stop trying. I think he’s giving up to easily. (And I made my opinion on that one known.) Some of you may think I’m being foolish, but you also can’t tell me you’ve never done seemingly crazy things for someone you truly care about.
So…if he wants a little space, then, I’ll give it to him. If he wants a little time, then, I’ll give it to him. If he wants to fix some things in his life, then, I’ll let him. If he wants to fix himself and feel better, then, I’ll let him. And the whole time I’ll be there for him.
Things are so wonderful between us when he doesn’t let work or home or any of the other stressors in his life pull him so far down that he slips into a mood (and he’s in such a dark place right now). Seriously, we all have things happening in our lives, good and bad. That’s called life. But we have to fight. Sometimes we have to fight for the things we want, for the happiness, for the joy, for the beauty, for the things we love. Sometimes the best things in life are worth fighting for.
I don’t mind a bit of a struggle every now and then. Life isn’t perfect. I believe we make our own forms of perfect.
And I know this is a two-way street. I know he has to try too and want it too (and I’m not saying he is or isn’t, does or doesn’t), but there are so many variables to the situation that it’s difficult to explain it all here. I just have to trust that I’m making the right choice(s) and pray that it will all turn out in the end. That’s all anyone in this kind of situation can do, or any situation.
So I’ll keep fighting until I have no more options, until I have no more fight left in me.
At least, in the end, if I have no choice but to walk away, I’ll know that I did everything I could for us.