It’s difficult for me to write this – real, deep, personal. I usually keep these things to myself. So why am I putting it out there for the world to see? I’ve decided to share because I believe we’ve all been in similar situations and experienced similar feelings at one point in our lives. Not only that, but I believe we can all learn from one another.
For the last week I’ve been trying to find closure. I think finally, finally, I’ve found it – in my writing. This is the last letter that I’ll ever write to him, at least for now, or possibly ever. I know he’ll never see it. Well, never say never, but the probability is pretty low. I debated giving it to him, but no, he’ll probably never see it.
This is the last letter I’ll probably ever write to you, at least for now, possibly ever. As I write this I’m sitting in the park, on the bench where you first kissed me. I’m not sure what brought me here. Maybe I was looking for closure. Maybe I was searching for a safe place. Maybe I just liked the irony – to end where it began.
That day you kissed me was special. It was magical. I never told you, but, when you kissed me that night, as the sun was setting, I saw fireworks. Not real fireworks like the ones on the 4th of July, but fireworks in my head. My heart skipped a beat. That’s why when you wanted to kiss me again and again and again I stayed snuggled close to you and said, “In a minute. I’m enjoying the moment.” No one had ever given me a kiss that made me feel that way, but I felt an instant connection with you the first time you hugged me.
Things were always different with you. I should’ve realized that even more once I started having sexual thoughts. I never entertained those thoughts with anyone else, but with you…you were different. It felt right. Everything felt right. I’m not sure how else to explain it. I just knew I wanted you more then I’ve ever wanted anyone else, every part of you. And I don’t regret it.
That’s one thing I hope you know – I regret nothing. Although, if I was forced to name a regret or two, then, it would have nothing to do with the things I did or we did or even the things I said. No, my only true regrets lay in the things that went unsaid and were left undone. But all the things I did said, I meant. And all the things I did, I acted with my heart.
I truly believe you’re a wonderful person. You’re smart, sweet, kind, funny, affectionate, playful, sarcastic and a million other things. (And you’re the only person who has almost, almost, always been able to keep up and match me in banter.) You’re not without your flaws, no one is, but I liked you for everything you are – flaws and all. Remember those lists I gave you of all the things I liked about you? Well, those still hold true. Even #14…the one you seemed to keep reading over and over and over again. (Yes, I’m smiling just thinking about it.) I just hope that one day you’ll see all those wonderful things that I see in you.
“Your value does not decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” Don’t let people take away your self-worth. Don’t believe the horrible things they tell you about yourself. None of it’s true. The truth is, those people are insecure and are just looking to bring you down to their level so they can feel better about themselves. You’re the smart, strong, confident, wonderful one. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen you be a man, a real man, and that’s sexy as hell. So be the man that I know you are.
So, you say you’re unhappy, that you need a major life overhaul. Well, cutie, only you can be your change. Only you have the power to change things in your life. And if you don’t change anything then nothing will change. It’s not going to be easy, but you can do it. I’ve always believed in you. I still believe in you. Sometimes, when it feels like you’re losing control you just have to stop and ask yourself, “If I died tomorrow would I be happy with the life I’ve lived?” If the answer is no, then, do something about. You’re capable of so much more then you think. You are so much more then you think.
Time. So much could be said about time. If I could turn back time and find you sooner, I would. I’d go back three, maybe four, years, before life sunk its teeth in and ripped you apart. But that wasn’t our time. This was our time. And even if I knew how it was going to turn out, I still would’ve done it. All of it. I still would’ve given every smile, every laugh, every hug, every kiss, every touch. I still would’ve given myself – every single part of my being. As I said before, cutie, I’m so, so glad it was you. At times, things between us might’ve been a little screwed up, but it was our beautiful chaos and it was some of the best moment of my life.
Life is short. If you don’t live while you’re alive, then, you’re already dead. And that’s probably the worse part – “…the slow, daily death of living a life of fear and hatred. What a dark tragedy: to be dead even when you’re alive.” Don’t be afraid of living, of taking chances, of feeling something, of holding on, of risking it all. After all, scares are the stories that proved we lived. We only have one life, one story. That’s how I think of it – like a story with a beginning, middle and end, and a whole bunch of stuff in-between. The thing is, I think we’re all stories waiting to be told. Some people’s stories intertwine – sometimes for a moment, sometimes forever, sometimes they fade in and out. And I’m so happy that I was able to be part of your story and you part of mine, if only for a moment.
I’ll admit. personally, I believe these last few months you handled everything wrong. If you were having doubts or if there was a problem you should’ve talked to me. I never pushed you. I always flowed with you, ebbing in and out like the tide. I know you trusted me, that you still do, and I know you’re not a big talker, but you can always talk to me about anything and everything. You had that choice. But you chose not to talk and, instead, we ended up here.
Despite everything, I want you to know that I’m not mad at you and I certainly don’t hate you. I hope for and wish you nothing but good things and happiness. So laugh, love yourself, let go of the past, open yourself to others (like you opened yourself to me) and simply live.