One Last Time

The personal things are always the hardest to write. So why would I put something like this into the world? As I’ve said before, I believe we can all learn from each other. We’ve all been hurt, even heartbroken, at least once in our lives. It shouldn’t stop us from trying and taking risks. If we don’t live while we’re alive, then, we’re already dead.

I gave him a second chance and he threw it away. Whether he realizes it now or even if it takes until tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year – I gave him a second chance. And once again I have to find my closure, which I think I’ve found in my writing. The probability of him seeing this letter is pretty low, just like the last one. Then again, never say never. Life is unpredictable and we don’t know what twists and turns life is going to present to us. We just never know.

Dear Handsome,

Our last conversation was less then pretty. In fact, it was pretty ugly. I’m not sure if you agree or not. Maybe you don’t even care. Either way, that day, it was ugly. I think that was the first time I ever heard you really raise your voice. I think that was also the first time I ever started to raise mine. It was also the first time I ever pushed you that hard for answers. You said I was being nasty, but you’ve never seen me put my foot down and be stern. At times, you’re one of the most confusing people I know and that’s why I pushed you so hard for answers. I was frustrated and confused. I think I saw frustration on your part as well. In the end, we both said things we can never take back.

Space. That’s what you said you needed. You always seem to need space, to push me away, when things become too real or we start getting too close. I don’t know if you read the blog or not, but I did give you space. (Everything I wrote in The Final Letter is true and I stand by it completely.) I started to find closure in the same place where it all began and slowly through my writing. You were the one who came back to me. You were the one who spontaneously kissed me again and continued to do so. In no way am I saying I’m perfect. I’m not. Maybe I shouldn’t have followed you in there that day, but we were having a conversation and you, yes you, didn’t have to turn around and kiss me – twice. Although, I’m glad you did.

I don’t regret you kissing me. I loved kissing you. Kissing you is like having the sun warm your skin, like being wrapped in a blanket during the dead of winter. No, I’ll never regret kissing you. And when you kissed me that day, after I thought it was all over, well, that just allowed me to feel the sun for one extra month.

Right now, I’m not sure what’s happening between us, but it seems pretty final. I’ve debated telling you how I truly feel and the truth is, after everything that has happened these last few months, I’m not entirely sure if you deserve to know. Then again, maybe you already know. But I’m tired of keeping things to myself and being afraid that they will scare you away. At the moment I don’t think you could be anymore distant if you were on the other side of the world. So, really, like I have for the last year, I’ll take another risk. I have nothing left to lose.

Cutie, I gave you everything, every part of me, and I would’ve given you more, if only you would’ve let me. I’ve never found anyone worth giving my heart to, especially my whole heart. I think, maybe, a part of me will always care for you on some level. You’re special. You were my first, well, a lot of things.

There was a time where you couldn’t wait to see me, where you couldn’t wait to hug me and hold me and kiss me, where you called me and text me, where you brought me flowers, where you told me I was as beautiful as the moon and called me your bright spot, where you were patient and gentle, where you were sweet and affectionate. There was a time where you looked at me like I was special, as if I was the only woman who mattered, as if I was the only woman who existed. I still think you’re a good person and, you know what – despite everything you’ve never stopped looking at me in that way.

I want you to know that I’m not mad at you and I certainly don’t hate you. I wish you nothing but the best. I hope that you can learn to be happy. I hope that you can find the things and people in life that make you soar and hold onto them. I hope you embrace every opportunity and live like each day is your last. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow. All we have is today. All we have is now. Remember, cutie, life is short – laugh, love yourself, let go of the past, open yourself to others (like you opened yourself to me) and simply live.

Always,
Nicole

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