If Only We Knew

If you knew it was your last day with a family member, would you stay with them longer?

If you knew it was your last day with a friend, would you hug them longer?

If you knew it was your last time with that person you cared deeply for, would you kiss them longer?

The problem is, we never know when it’s going to be our last.

I’ve been fighting myself a bit lately, as I think we all do at times, thinking that there was something I could’ve done to prevent what happened or, at least, I should’ve seen it coming.

But I never saw it coming.

Maybe the signs were there, hidden or right in my face. Maybe there’s always some type of sign and we simply miss it or choose to ignore it.

This past week I was compelled to go back and read the list. It was a list of promises I made him a long time ago, when we first met. I realized that through everything I broke two promises – I sincerely promise to never be angry or yell…because I’m not that person and I sincerely promise to take your hand and never let go.

I only every yelled once and I’m not even sure it could be considered yelling. It was recent. He pushed me too far with his games and antics and rude, nasty behavior. I never intended to yell at him. I never intended to feel a rush of emotions that’s categorized at anger. After it happened, I felt awful because I’m really not that person. But – I sincerely promise I’m not perfect. (No one is…and that’s alright.)

For a long time I held on. I took his hand and never let go, even during the bad times. I simply gave him space – I sincerely promise to give you space when you need it. Sometimes you have to fight for the things you want and the things and people you love. I’m sorry I broke my promise, but in the end I had no choice but the let go.

I never saw it coming. There are nights, not as often now, but there are still some nights where I wonder if he saw it coming. That night, our last night together, before we were torn apart, was perfect. We were both happy. We talked and laughed. I hugged him tighter, kissed him longer, and held him closer. And he held me, kissed me and spoke softly in ways like never before.

For a brief moment, I wondered if I would’ve treated that night different if I knew it was going to be our last. The answer is no. It was perfect, a memory all it’s own, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

No, we never seem to see the end coming. We always seem to believe there will be more, another time just like the one before, but if life is really like a story, then, things are made to end.

It’s up to us the enjoy the journey and live in the moment.

Thinking about it now, I still don’t regret anything and I can’t think of a more beautiful ending for us.

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