Final Closure

Words are a tricky thing. They stand on the tip of our tongue, are unable to come out, or spill uncontrollably from our mouth. We all have those things we regret saying or those things we never had a chance to say.

Maybe some of you will be thinking that I should be over this by now, but I’ve realized that feelings such as love don’t quickly fade and turn to dust. While part of me has moved on, I can still feel another part of me slightly holding on. Things changed in an instant and I think I’ve been searching for answers as to why. I think I’ve been looking for answers I’ll never find. Now I realize what I’ve really been searching for is closure.

I’m not sure he deserves to know the things that will appear in this letter, in fact he doesn’t, not after what he did, but it has occurred to me these last few days that I can’t completely move on and fully focus on another man, whoever he may be, until my mind is cleared of him. So this letter, these words, are my final closure.

Dear Handsome,

It’s been weeks, months, and most days you walk around this place treating me like a ghost. I say hi and try to talk to you because I don’t want to be rude, but even if you respond, most times, you barely look at me. After everything we’ve been through and shared together, that hurts more then any horrible, nasty thing you could possibly ever say.

I’m sure you think I’m being ridiculous or overthinking things or even blame me for being the one who walked away, but I think you walked away a long time ago without even telling me. Yes, there was a time when I was mad at you and even a time where I hated you, but those feelings are such a waste of time and energy. I’m done. The things you think you did that upset me – well they did – but there’s more to it. The reasons you think, they’re not the reasons I walked away, but a culmination of everything. There were little things that you started doing, or stopped doing, that weren’t right. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but in this situation, I did nothing wrong. The only thing I ever did was love you. And if that’s wrong, then, I don’t want to be right.

Walking away from you, from us, is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I didn’t walk away because I wanted to. I didn’t walk away because I stopped loving you. I walked away because I had to. In loving you, I put all my energy into pleasing you and making you happy and, as strange as it may sound, I think, I almost forgot what it was like to be happy myself. In the end, in loving you, I think I almost forgot to love myself.

Part of me still wishes we would’ve met at another time – before life took hold of you, took a bite and tore you apart – but this was our time and I don’t regret a moment of it.

Part of me believes that a small piece of my heart will always love you. In a lot of ways you were special to me.

I do believe that there was a time where you truly cared for me, but there was also a time where you told me not to wait for you. Well, for a long time, I waited, but after everything these past few months, I can’t wait anymore. The only reason I ever stopped fighting for you was because you stopped fighting for me. So I’m moving on.

There are people in this world who will never treat me poorly, never take me for granted and always do their best to appreciate me. Somewhere in this world there is a man who will love me and cherish me and I will not make him suffer because I’m stuck on you. I will not make myself suffer because I’m waiting for a ship that will never come – you.

As I said, I don’t regret our time together. You gave me more then you’ll ever know. You taught me things about myself and things in general. We can all learn something from each other and we all impact the lives of others, no matter how big or small that impact may be, and for that I want to thank you, so – thank you. I wish you all the best, always. I hope you find the happiness and whatever else it is you’re searching for in this life.

Be well,
Nicole

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