No Regrets

I’m fairly confident in saying that we’ve all been there. We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all felt our hearts bursting into a million pieces. We’ve all felt our hearts swell with love. We’ve all made connections with others and, in some cases, created bonds. We’ve all had experiences that have helped shape us as well as grow. It all blends into this lovely, chaotic thing called life.

This man. This wonderful man. Despite everything, I wouldn’t give up my time with him for anything in the world. I believe he’s one of the good ones. Whether he sees this letter or not, he already knows everything that’s in it (and more) I’m sure. After all, he lived it.

Dear Handsome,

I love you.

I finally told you and hear I come to find out that after all this time you already knew. I often wondered if you did and there were so many times I wanted to tell you, where I almost did, but I never said the words because I was always afraid it would scare you away. I’m a big believer in if you feel it then say it, but I had never felt it before…until you.

Everything I’ve ever told you, I’ve meant every word. You know and remember the things I’ve said. You know and remember the things I’ve done, the things we’ve done. You know I’m a sincere person. You know me.

So now…where are we now? Some of it still doesn’t make sense. I’m not putting the blame on anyone, but part of me thinks that sometimes you weren’t fair to me or to yourself. But the past is the past and we can’t change that, not that I would want to. If I had the choice to do it all over again, I would relive every single moment in a heartbeat. I have no regrets. You gave me more then you’ll ever know (or maybe you do know). Thanks to you I’ve experienced some beautiful things in life. It’s easy to say that if it wasn’t you it would’ve been someone else, but it was suppose to be you. All those other women were mere girls, obviously never realizing what they had when they were with you, since they were stupid and foolish to have treated you poorly and to have let you go, but through their mistakes, I won. When they let you go they set me up to one day be with you. When they let you go they set us up to be together, to make each other happy and to share so much with one another. It was always meant to be you. And for that I’m grateful. As I’ve said before, I’m so glad it was you.

Neither of us knows for sure what’s going to happen. Unfortunately, neither of us can see into the future and our crystal ball seems to be broken. This could be the end of the road for us or it could be the beginning of a new path. We could stay friends. We could enter into a relationship again. Or we could go in completely different directions. You said it yourself, you don’t know what’s going to happen because you just never know. And that’s one of the beautiful and scary things about life, life’s mysteries – the unknown. That’s when, I think, we simply have to have faith.

You say that you want to be friends. Well, I would love to be friends with you. I think you’re a good person with a good heart. After everything we’ve shared it might take a minute for us to switch gears, but I think we’re both on the same page – wanting to be in each other’s lives rather than not at all.

When we first met, when we first started dating, I told you I wasn’t going anywhere. Well, that still holds true. You can always talk to me about anything and everything. I wish you nothing but the best, always.

Always,
Nicole

A Way Back

words unsaid
actions undone
leaves a bad taste
on the tip of the tongue

missteps taken
opportunities lost
moments become the past
and turn to dust

frustrations mount
confusion swarms
as the heart still swoons
and hopes for more

a casual talk
a warm embrace
leads to heated thoughts
while the heart and mind race

secrets abound
hesitation exists
time is fleeting
yet there’s restrained feelings

soulful look
captures a gaze
but words still hide
behind soft lips for day

dangerous risk
loving touch
a kiss on the cheek
says so much

broken dam
words flood the air
captures back an honest stare
as the truth is told once more

Embarrassing Moments (To Look Back On and Laugh At Later)

My feet have always been there. We’re not strangers. Yet, there I was, stumbling over the threshold and through the door of the kitchen. And yes, he saw it all.

I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been there at least once in our lives – embarrassed ourselves in front of that special someone.

Why do these things happen? Maybe it’s some sort of right of passage. Maybe it’s part of that awkward phase. Maybe it’s us and we can’t help it. Whatever the reason, one thing is for certain – it happens.

I’ve had my fair share of embarrassment, especially in front of this guys. (I’ll call him Mr. Handsome, since that’s how I refer to him in all my letters.) When we first met, most times, I turned into a total klutz. I always tried to be graceful and keep my composure, but, sometimes, it never went well. In the end, I suppose it worked out considering he found each embarrassing thing that happened to me cute.

One day Mr. Handsome and I were talking at work. I was making him laugh. (I can’t remember the topic, but I was just happy to make him laugh. He has a warm laugh. And when he laughs, he smiles. He has such an adorable smile.) I may have been being silly or sarcastic or sassy, but when I went to make my exit, I misjudged the length of the wall and almost smacked my face. I attempted to gracefully recover, hoping he didn’t notice, but later that day he brought up my less then graceful exit.

I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve walked into walls, tripped over my own two feet, almost tripped up the stairs as well as down them and have completely lost my words – all in front of this man. (Usually, I’m a very together person, but maybe part of being human is to sometimes fall apart before coming back together.)

One of the most embarrassing moments (yes, more embarrassing then walking into a wall) was within the first few weeks of us meeting. It started with cold soup and ended with me licking it off my arm. See, the soup was meant to be my lunch. Mr. Handsome had offered to heat it up so I brought it over to the kitchen. He put it in a nice bowl and added some garnish. (He’s a great chef and great with presentation.) The only problem was he had made it too hot. So I picked up the hot bowl, the soup sloshed out and started running down the sleeve of my sweater. (At that point I was already a little embarrassed.) On impulse, I pulled up my sleeve and began licking the dripping soup off my wrist. And that’s when I realized I was in a kitchen full of guys and Mr. Handsome, the man I was attracted to, was staring at me. I made a quick, nervous laugh (although, I tried to sound confident and jovial), asked for a napkin and left with my soup.

These are the moments that make us want to run or hide under a rock, at least at the time, but I think all we can really do is laugh. I don’t think we can take ourselves too seriously. These moments that embarrass us are things that we probably couldn’t have anticipated and, eventually, we’ll be able to look back and laugh.

The point I’m trying to make here is that we all have embarrassing moments. We all make a fool out of ourselves in front of that special someone. And that’s alright. I think, in the end, it’s all part of life.

Let’s get a conversation going. Feel free to tell me about one of your embarrassing moments by using the comment section. I’d love to hear from you!