Love

I used to think that love must be the best feeling in the world. There’s so many strong examples of it in my life – my grandparents, my parents, my cousins and even my brother and his girlfriend. Then, about a year ago, I experienced it for myself.

It was the first time I had ever fallen in love. It was the fist time I had ever found a man worth giving my heart. And it wasn’t some silly schoolgirl crush type of love. It was real. During that time, I realized that love truly is a wonderful feeling.

This past weekend I attended my cousin’s wedding. For a long time I knew they loved each other so, eventually, the news of a wedding was no surprise. After all, a wedding is a celebrating of love and the union of two people. So I watched as they exchanged their vows. I watched the way they looked at each other, the way they held each other, the way they danced with each other and the way they laughed with each other. I simply watched the way they interacted with each other.

And that’s when I understood.

While love is a wonderful feeling, it’s only one of the best emotions a person can feel. To love someone and have that person return that love must be one of the best feelings as well. To love someone, have that love returned and for two people to love each other so deeply to the point that they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other – now that also must be one of the best feelings.

I was close once, but the love I gave wasn’t reciprocated in the same way. At least, not in the end. That doesn’t mean I’m quitting on love. None of us should give up. I firmly believe that there’s someone out there for all of us. I believe that we’re all deserving of that feeling called love – to love and be loved.

No Regrets

I’m fairly confident in saying that we’ve all been there. We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all felt our hearts bursting into a million pieces. We’ve all felt our hearts swell with love. We’ve all made connections with others and, in some cases, created bonds. We’ve all had experiences that have helped shape us as well as grow. It all blends into this lovely, chaotic thing called life.

This man. This wonderful man. Despite everything, I wouldn’t give up my time with him for anything in the world. I believe he’s one of the good ones. Whether he sees this letter or not, he already knows everything that’s in it (and more) I’m sure. After all, he lived it.

Dear Handsome,

I love you.

I finally told you and hear I come to find out that after all this time you already knew. I often wondered if you did and there were so many times I wanted to tell you, where I almost did, but I never said the words because I was always afraid it would scare you away. I’m a big believer in if you feel it then say it, but I had never felt it before…until you.

Everything I’ve ever told you, I’ve meant every word. You know and remember the things I’ve said. You know and remember the things I’ve done, the things we’ve done. You know I’m a sincere person. You know me.

So now…where are we now? Some of it still doesn’t make sense. I’m not putting the blame on anyone, but part of me thinks that sometimes you weren’t fair to me or to yourself. But the past is the past and we can’t change that, not that I would want to. If I had the choice to do it all over again, I would relive every single moment in a heartbeat. I have no regrets. You gave me more then you’ll ever know (or maybe you do know). Thanks to you I’ve experienced some beautiful things in life. It’s easy to say that if it wasn’t you it would’ve been someone else, but it was suppose to be you. All those other women were mere girls, obviously never realizing what they had when they were with you, since they were stupid and foolish to have treated you poorly and to have let you go, but through their mistakes, I won. When they let you go they set me up to one day be with you. When they let you go they set us up to be together, to make each other happy and to share so much with one another. It was always meant to be you. And for that I’m grateful. As I’ve said before, I’m so glad it was you.

Neither of us knows for sure what’s going to happen. Unfortunately, neither of us can see into the future and our crystal ball seems to be broken. This could be the end of the road for us or it could be the beginning of a new path. We could stay friends. We could enter into a relationship again. Or we could go in completely different directions. You said it yourself, you don’t know what’s going to happen because you just never know. And that’s one of the beautiful and scary things about life, life’s mysteries – the unknown. That’s when, I think, we simply have to have faith.

You say that you want to be friends. Well, I would love to be friends with you. I think you’re a good person with a good heart. After everything we’ve shared it might take a minute for us to switch gears, but I think we’re both on the same page – wanting to be in each other’s lives rather than not at all.

When we first met, when we first started dating, I told you I wasn’t going anywhere. Well, that still holds true. You can always talk to me about anything and everything. I wish you nothing but the best, always.

Always,
Nicole

A Way Back

words unsaid
actions undone
leaves a bad taste
on the tip of the tongue

missteps taken
opportunities lost
moments become the past
and turn to dust

frustrations mount
confusion swarms
as the heart still swoons
and hopes for more

a casual talk
a warm embrace
leads to heated thoughts
while the heart and mind race

secrets abound
hesitation exists
time is fleeting
yet there’s restrained feelings

soulful look
captures a gaze
but words still hide
behind soft lips for day

dangerous risk
loving touch
a kiss on the cheek
says so much

broken dam
words flood the air
captures back an honest stare
as the truth is told once more

Always

I’m no expert on love, but I believe that when we truly love a person we love them for all that they are – good and bad.

We love them for their good qualities as well as their flaws.

We love them through the good times as much as we love them during the rough times.

When we truly love someone, I believe that we’d walk through fire and go to hell and back for them.

When we truly love someone, I believe we love them no matter what.

We love them always.

Final Closure

Words are a tricky thing. They stand on the tip of our tongue, are unable to come out, or spill uncontrollably from our mouth. We all have those things we regret saying or those things we never had a chance to say.

Maybe some of you will be thinking that I should be over this by now, but I’ve realized that feelings such as love don’t quickly fade and turn to dust. While part of me has moved on, I can still feel another part of me slightly holding on. Things changed in an instant and I think I’ve been searching for answers as to why. I think I’ve been looking for answers I’ll never find. Now I realize what I’ve really been searching for is closure.

I’m not sure he deserves to know the things that will appear in this letter, in fact he doesn’t, not after what he did, but it has occurred to me these last few days that I can’t completely move on and fully focus on another man, whoever he may be, until my mind is cleared of him. So this letter, these words, are my final closure.

Dear Handsome,

It’s been weeks, months, and most days you walk around this place treating me like a ghost. I say hi and try to talk to you because I don’t want to be rude, but even if you respond, most times, you barely look at me. After everything we’ve been through and shared together, that hurts more then any horrible, nasty thing you could possibly ever say.

I’m sure you think I’m being ridiculous or overthinking things or even blame me for being the one who walked away, but I think you walked away a long time ago without even telling me. Yes, there was a time when I was mad at you and even a time where I hated you, but those feelings are such a waste of time and energy. I’m done. The things you think you did that upset me – well they did – but there’s more to it. The reasons you think, they’re not the reasons I walked away, but a culmination of everything. There were little things that you started doing, or stopped doing, that weren’t right. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but in this situation, I did nothing wrong. The only thing I ever did was love you. And if that’s wrong, then, I don’t want to be right.

Walking away from you, from us, is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I didn’t walk away because I wanted to. I didn’t walk away because I stopped loving you. I walked away because I had to. In loving you, I put all my energy into pleasing you and making you happy and, as strange as it may sound, I think, I almost forgot what it was like to be happy myself. In the end, in loving you, I think I almost forgot to love myself.

Part of me still wishes we would’ve met at another time – before life took hold of you, took a bite and tore you apart – but this was our time and I don’t regret a moment of it.

Part of me believes that a small piece of my heart will always love you. In a lot of ways you were special to me.

I do believe that there was a time where you truly cared for me, but there was also a time where you told me not to wait for you. Well, for a long time, I waited, but after everything these past few months, I can’t wait anymore. The only reason I ever stopped fighting for you was because you stopped fighting for me. So I’m moving on.

There are people in this world who will never treat me poorly, never take me for granted and always do their best to appreciate me. Somewhere in this world there is a man who will love me and cherish me and I will not make him suffer because I’m stuck on you. I will not make myself suffer because I’m waiting for a ship that will never come – you.

As I said, I don’t regret our time together. You gave me more then you’ll ever know. You taught me things about myself and things in general. We can all learn something from each other and we all impact the lives of others, no matter how big or small that impact may be, and for that I want to thank you, so – thank you. I wish you all the best, always. I hope you find the happiness and whatever else it is you’re searching for in this life.

Be well,
Nicole

Perfect Strangers

she gave him her mind
she gave him her heart
she gave him her soul
shame on her

she learned his mind
she learned his heart
she learned his soul
shame on her

he was a thief in the night
tore down the wall
exposed what was inside
heart and all

he wasn’t all looks
more then a pair of deep blues
and the greater the depth she swam in his pools
she fell in love

he spoke of the future
and his dark past
showed compassion
that wouldn’t last

he drifted
like the sea from the shore
but always returned
to brush it’s face once more

she thought it a phase
much as the changing moon
she held onto hope
which would wax and wane

she soon learned the changing tides
would bring heartache, fighting, tears
as distance grew
and words turned to dust

he made one wrong move
he crossed the line
he was the lighting in the storm
shame on him

he showed no remorse
he had no fight
he had no answers in darkness or light
shame on him

left with memories
in the aftermath
the shaking, quaking, that would slowly pass
until they were perfect strangers once more

Lovebugs

As I sat with my grandpa he continued to tell me story after story. He’s always been good at that – storytelling. Often times I find myself listening to him for hours, but I always enjoy every minute of it.

Now he’s telling me a story of the lovebugs. At first I think it’s something he made up, like an analogical story, but it’s not. It’s real. I’m not even sure how it became the topic of conversation, but it’s typical to jump from one thing to the next with no correlation. So he continued telling me about lovebugs.

“When they connect, they connect until they die,” he said.

So they stay with one mate their entire life.

“That reminds me of some humans,” I said.

He smiled at me as I thought about my grandparents, my parents, my brother and even some of my friends. They’ve all found their lovebug.

I’m still searching for mine.

I think we all deserve that connection, that love. We all deserve to find that one person who wants to spend the rest of their life with us. We all deserve to find our lovebug.

Final Destination

We all have those things in our lives that we don’t understand, that sometimes leave us with more questions then answers. We all also have a breaking point. It’s called being human. And, in this particular situation, I found mine.

I know he won’t see this letter. I know he’s probably never seen any of them. But, if he ever did stumble across it and actually took the time to read it, then he would know some of the final things I never had a chance to say. Part of me hopes with all my whole heart that, maybe, one day, he’ll see it.

Dear Handsome,

I thought you cared about me, but I guess I was wrong. There was a time where I know you cared for me and you did everything to show me how invested you were in us. You were patient and kind. You were sweet and respectful. You brought me flower and made me chocolate covered strawberries. You took me out. You hugged and kissed me with a passion. You simply made time for me, not matter what. There were a million other tiny things too. I think there may have been a depth to how much you cared, maybe a depth that scared you, but, either way, I guess those days are over. I guess some things really do change.

Why’d you do it? Why’d you touch another woman? Why’d you put your hand on her ass? Honestly, no man who’s with me, who truly cares about me, is going to go around touching another woman. Of all the people in this world, I never thought you would do something like that to me. I trusted you with my heart and, in the end, you threw it away.

The truth is, I’m tired of being the only one who seems to care. I’m tired of being the only one who seems to be fighting for us. I’m tired of trying to talk to you and you telling me you don’t have the time. I’m tired of trying to figure things out and you acting like I’m the one who’s wrong and like I’m the one who has the problem. I’m tired of playing this hot and cold, cat and mouse game. That’s not what I want and it shouldn’t be that way. It never used to be that way. For awhile now you’ve been there, but not there all at once, like you’re a shell of your former self.

Looking back, I think something broke months ago and as much as I tried to repair it, it couldn’t be fixed…because you didn’t care enough to help fix it. It takes two people to make things work, but, sometimes, it only takes one to break them.

I told you once that you had given me more then you’ll ever know. Despite the way you’re acting now, I still believe that’s true in many cases. You awakened a level of confidence and sexiness that I didn’t know I had in me. You introduced me to a world I had never known before. You showed me what it was like to have someone who truly cared for me. You taught me what it was like to feel safe with a man. You taught me what it was like to feel alive again. You taught me what it felt like to love.

I don’t hate you and I don’t want to be mad at you, but what you did, how you’re acting now and the way you’re now treating me is inexcusable. You crossed the line. You messed up. And when I confronted you, well, you couldn’t even defend yourself. You didn’t even apologize. You didn’t even bat an eye. Now you hardly talk to me. You barely look at me. You treat me like a ghost, like a perfect stranger, when just two weeks ago you couldn’t keep your hands off me and you couldn’t wait to see me. Is it because you’re ashamed? Is it because you know I trusted you and you shattered that trust? Is it because you know how deeply I cared for you and how deeply you ended up hurting me? Whatever the case, the turnout of these events is sad. For lack of a better term – sad.

Regardless, I regret nothing. Even if you asked me five years from now, I still wouldn’t regret anything. And if I had the chance to do it all over again, knowing this is how it would turn out, I would still do it.

But this seems to be the end of the road for us, where our journey together ends. So, my butterfly, fly free. As difficult as it is for me to say this – fly free. If one day you decide to come back then it was meant to be and, maybe, just maybe, I’ll give you another chance, but if you never return, then, at least I’ll have some wonderful memories.

Our last hug was beautiful.

Our last kiss was wonderful.

Our last time was magical.

What I wish for you now is the same as the first day we met. I hope you find your way in life. I hope you surround yourself with positive people who will always stand by you and encourage you. I hope you find the happiness that you’re so deserving of.

Always,
Nicole

Fight for Me

“If I left, if I walked away, would you fight for me to be part of your life?”

“I don’t know.”

I continued to stare at him. So this was how he was going to act during this make or break moment.

His eyes flicked up at me – once, twice, three times. It was almost as if he couldn’t look at me. Maybe he was lying. Maybe he didn’t know what to say. Maybe he was just nervous.

Either way, his silence began to speak volumes before he even spoke.

“Would you fight for me?” I asked again in my head.

“I don’t know,” he said again. “Why don’t you try it and find out.”

It sounded like a challenge, like a continuation of this game that I had grown increasingly tired of over the last few months.

“You know what, babe,” I stood tall and continued to stare. “Maybe this is your chance to figure that out.”

And then I walked away.

I knew he wouldn’t chase me across the parking lot. I knew he wouldn’t follow me down the stairs. I knew he wouldn’t even call after me once I reached the door.

As hard as it is to admit it to myself, I know he won’t fight for me.

Whether it be that he’s a coward, afraid or simply doesn’t care anymore – I know he won’t fight for me.

I’m well aware that life isn’t a movie. I realize life isn’t a novel. I know life is more complicated then either of these medias illustrate (most times). But if a man truly cares, I believe he’ll be there no matter what. He’ll want to fix the things that went wrong. He’ll want to at least attempt to see if they can be worked out. He’ll fight for you.

I think we all, women and men, deserve someone who will fight for them. It’s another way of showing how much you care, to be there not only during the good times but the bad times too.

That’s what I want.

I want a someone who will always be by my side – who will defend, protect and encourage me. I want a man who’s going to love me as much as I’ll love him. I want a man who’s willing to fight for me, for us, when I start to become tired. I want a partner who realizes that I’m worth the fight (even if it’s a little ugly at the moment). I want a man who knows that the fight is simply part of the dance.

Please take a moment to listen to this song, if you wish. Not only is he a talented musician, but the lyrics fit the situation perfectly.

Love and The Butterfly

There’s a story that I’ve often heard about love which uses the butterfly as an analogy for that love. Now that I’m older, I believe the story makes more sense. Love is beautiful and fragile, like a butterfly.

As a child I was fascinated with butterflies and thought they were one of the most gorgeous creatures. They fly so elegantly and grace nature with their bright colors and unique wing designs. When they land on a blade of grass or a flower, I like to admire those colors and patterns. Although, when I was little, I was told to be careful when touching their wings, or not to touch them at all.

Recently the story of the butterfly has come back to me. It goes like this – if we hold on to tight then we’ll crush it, but hold on to loose and it’ll fly away. Just like the wings of a butterfly can be crushed, we can also crush and smother love. At the same time, just as a butterfly will fly away, love can also leave us, but give it enough space and it can blossom and flourish.

The key seems to be finding a balance.

Within the last few weeks, I’ve been told another story which, in may ways, complements the previous one. It goes like this – if you love something, set it free. If it flies away, then, it was never yours to begin with, but if it comes back, then, it was always yours from the start.

I believe there’s both hope and risk in these words.

We could end up with nothing or everything.

Maybe the biggest risk is holding onto the fear of ending up with nothing.

Maybe the greatest form of hope and love is letting that person fly free and simply praying they’ll return.

But that’s a decision we all must make on our own.